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True Baby Adventures
Riley loves old Fleisher Popeye cartoons but old black and white Mickey
Mouse cartoons are too violent for her.

Rainbow
I saw a rainbow on the way home. Looking at it, I started thinking about how silly it was people thought that this natural refraction of light was a promise from God to not drown us all.

Then I caught myself and realized that of all the aspects of the flood story, the rainbow was one of the least absurd. After all this was a story where:

1. The magic man in the sky decides to murder the entire human race.
2. He decides to do so by means of massive global rainfall on a world that had never before seen rain.
3. He decides to give exactly one dude and his posse a free pass.
4. He makes this guy build a boat and fill it with breeding pairs of all the land animals in the world.
5. Which can all be found within travel distance of this dude's house.
6. Somehow all these billions of animals - and a 40 day supply of food for theses animals, many of which eat other animals, can fit on the boat which, to be fair, God did specify to make it really big.
7. Specifically, 450 ft. by by 75 ft. by 45 ft.
8. After the Genocide minus 8, God invented the rainbow as a sort of bashful promise never to do it again.

Millions of people believe this to be literally true, which is pretty silly. That's what I was thinking when I saw that rainbow.

Oh, also:

All of us under its spell,
WE KNOW THAT IT'S PROBABLY MAAAAGIIIIC!

Have you been half asleep,
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailor?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it,
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it,
The rainbow connection,
The lovers,
The dreamers,
And me.
La, la lala la lalala, la lala la la la la,
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"Leave Superwoman to me and my mustache."
I just read JLA: Earth 2, a comic book by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.
At one point in the story, Superman has to disguise himself with a moustache
to pose as Evil Antimatter Clark Kent, The text isn’t clear as to where the
moustache came from but I choose to believe that it isn’t a fake, but that
Super-Moustache-Growing is one of Superman’s lesser-known powers.

Seriously...
Shouldn’t Geordi’s VISOR be useless in the Holodeck?

Indeed, many things come to pass
In the past week

Brandise’s DVD player has busted.

My Xbox out-of-warranty red ringed.

I hit a deer with my car.

My computer got a virus.

Brandise’s car CD player died, eating a CD in the process.

I ripped my pants at work.

And Brandise threw out her back.

Pardon my language, but what the hey?

Gatesgate
Call me old fashioned if you want, but I really want Crowley and Gates to
become best friends.

And to fight crime together.

Racial crime.

Gaze

I spent a couple hours this evening pouring through old photographs at my mom’s house. I had stopped by to provide some woefully inadequate technical support, and while I was letting various programs run, I started looking through the many, many piles of old photographs that were in my mom’s office.

It was an intense experience. She had pictures spanning all over the past sixty years or so of my family’s history, randomly scattered so you never knew who or when you would find in any given pile. People would be parents in one picture, babies in the next. Lots of family members as I’d never seen them, or never remembered them. My grandparents’ wedding. Captivating pictures of people I could only guess the identity of. Fashions, hairstyles, backdrops zig-zagging through fifty years of history, while my grandpa looked the exact same in 1974 as he did in 1984 as he did in 1994. Lot’s of pictures clearly nametagged and dated, in my mom’s, my grandpa’s, my grandma’s handwriting. A much greater number totally unlabeled, left for remembrance or deduction.

My parents the age I am now. My grandparents the age I am now.

A lifetime of photo (and slide and negative) packaging and advertising promoting all sorts of formats and services that are all now obsolete. Old postcards from old vacations. Christmas cards from people I’ve never met. Class pictures from family friends no longer heard from.

Old houses. Old toys. Furniture not seen in decades. Pictures of my mom, aunts and uncles as kids playing with the same toys I played with as a kid.

Blurry, unrecognizable faces. Nondescript, blandly green landscapes. Badly cropped portraits. Luncheons and functions that I never attended.

A wonderful, compelling black and white picture that I think is my mother at about 12 years of age, but wouldn’t be surprised if I was totally off base on the subject and/or the time period.

An absolutely hilarious outtake family portrait with funny faces, rabbit ears and people facing the wrong way that I swear I’ve never seen before, despite being in the picture.

A blurry, barely recognizable wartime picture of my grandpa with his arm wrapped around a buddy labeled “Me & Lt. Moore (Killed in April)”

It was a special way to spend an evening. Even though my family has no shortage of old photographs, there was something special about pouring through this particularly random batch of pictures. It wasn’t a single moment caught in time, it was an entire history.

Wizard Boy
Finally we see the coming of Wizard Boy Part Six: The Lord of Halfbreeds,
the movie so hardcore they were afraid to release it last year.

FACT: Wizard Boy is half-Boy, half-Wizard, half-Snake, half-Horse-Fucker.
FACT: Wizard Boy stared killing as a baby and has never stopped.
FACT: Wizard Boy is a feral creature on the edge of civilization. He kept in
a box until the year of Wizarding; in all that time his only food was
cruelty.
FACT: After a semester of Wizard School, Wizard Boy mastered the arcane
secrets of The Philosopher's Stone. Bored with those secrets, he had the
stone destroyed.
FACT: After a scant four years of Wizard School, Wizard Boy wrested control
of Practical Badassery class away from the faculty who he deemed weak and
ineffectual. He runs his own classroom with his own rules, and those rules
are "kill".
FACT: Elves, Giants, Centaurs, Werewolves, Spider-Demons. All these and
more have pledged loyalty to Wizard Boy and to his Blood Mission.

Don’t screw with Wizard Boy. He will wizard you to death. And then fuck
your horse.

Isaacistan!

Hello! Are you a discerning tourist looking for the "it" spot? Are you sick of played out scenes like Paris, Sealand, and McMurdo Station? Are you ready for a little adventure? Looking for a nation that your parents wouldn't understand? Have we got the country for you!

Come to Sunny Isaacistan! Isaacistan is a sexy up-and-coming republic that all the cool kids are flocking to! Come! Bring your tourist dollars to buy overpriced crap that proves you were part of the Isaacistan scene before it sold out and went all commercial. Isaacistan!

Founded in 1982, The People's Republic of Isaacistan has long been an important part of the international scientific and diplomatic community. Initially a free-love commune, in 2007 the government was restructured as a brutal dictatorship. Since the regime change, our happiness index has climbed to an implausibly high 103% Happiness. Don't you want to visit a nation as happy as that?

Come and spend! Unlike certain other countries on the way out, our economy is thriving. While our long-term economic model is based on the construction and export of our Imperial Death Robot Army, we here in Isaacistan like to joke that our real biggest export is FUN! But actually it is the robot thing.

Our women are beautiful, our men are amusingly ethnic, and our Murder Squads have been reminded to leave visitors alone. What are you waiting for, vacationer? Come to sexy nation that knows how to show a tourist a good time! Isaacistan will respect you in the morning!

ISAACISTAN!

The People's Republic of Isaacistan FAQ

Q. Is this a real country?

A. Sure! The concept of "country" is just a thought exercise anyways, so this country is equally real as all others.

Q. So where are you located?

A. Where is the other end of a rainbow, friend? Isaacistan is part of the emerging COUNTRY 2.0 model of nationbuilding. You see, the old way of forming a country was to own some land and kill anyone who tried to live on that land. We in the People's Republic think that land-based countries are for chumps. I mean, just look at Belgium. Nobody wants to live there. Anyone still living in a lame old-school country is a loser who probably can't get dates.

Q. Wait, so where are you?

A. Buckaroo Banzai famously told us that "wherever you go, there you are." The industrial rockers known as Ministry taught us that "Where you thought you were going to weren't never there." And when asked this riddle Winnie-the-Pooh replied "Cottleston, Cottleston Pie." So it is with Isaacistan.

Q. What is your economy like?

A. In Isaacistan, our only currency is hugs. While the exchange rate fluctuates, tourists can get one hug for roughly $20 US dollars. That's spending power!

Q. Can I become a citizen?

A. I don't know. Do you suck?

Q. Kinda.

A. Then you'll have to take our Entrance Exam.

It came with postcards!

I hate Final Fantasy.

I hate random encounters. I hate character grinding. I hate turn based combat. I hate lo-fi movies that make you play a crappy game to get more story. Final Fantasy is not meant for me. And yet, the other day I bought myself Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, the CGI feature film sequel to Final Fantasy VII. I didn't just buy the movie, I bought the Limited Collectors Edition of the movie. Why on Earth would I do that?

Fact is, even though I hate the games, I find Final Fantasy to be an absolutely mesmerizing franchise. Right off the bat you have the deliciously blunt irony that a game that is called "Final Fantasy" because it was to be the swan song of a game company on the brink of bankruptcy would go on to be one of the most important properties in the gaming industry, spawning dozens of other games, also labeled as "final". I just think that's funny.

More substantially, I love that the series proper is an anthology. Each numbered Final Fantasy game is a separate work, with different characters in a different setting with different gameplay mechanics. You aren't even assured of getting a fantasy game, as the series has bounced from generic sword and sorcery to steampunk to science fiction.    That's twelve distinct games, presenting twelve different experiences with more on the way. I can't think of an analog to this in any other medium.

Personally, I think the anthology format is great, but I find it fascinating me that it has worked as well as it has. Despite a lack of recurring characters, and despite the fact that the mechanics have dramatic evolutions from title to title, Final Fantasy is one of the most popular video game franchises in the world. Each new iteration is automatically a big deal.

And even though the series itself is entirely "new IP", they do exploit both the Final Fantasy name and the characters and settings in a variety of ways, most of which are weird as hell. The ancillary titles are a beautifully bizarre mix.   You've got two spin-off sub-franchises: Final Fantasy Tactics, and Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. You've got an increasing number of indirect follow ups set in the same world as one of the core games. And then you also have a go-kart racing game. You have fighting games. You have a snowboarding game.    And you've got Kingdom Hearts, a series of games where popular Final Fantasy Characters cross over with popular Disney animated characters. This is a terribly popular franchise, despite being one of the worst ideas for a video game ever. You've also got two feature films, one a sequel to one of the games, one a movie that isn't based on any video game at all.

I love the confusion of sorting out the games. In America Final Fantasy II and III were followed by VII. When we asked what happened to IV, V, and VI? We were told that we had played two of them, IV and IV, but that they had been renumbered in the West. Now that they've been re-released in America under their original Japanese numbering, it is impossible to refer to those titles without causing confusion over what game you are playing. To make up for all the Final Fantasy games that our market was skipped, we got three Game Boy games that were labeled Final Fantasy that were actually part of an entirely different franchise. And of course, Advent Children is labeled "VII" despite being only the second film, and being a direct sequel to a property from an entirely different medium.

Oh and somewhere in all this mess, There has even been one direct sequel. It has my title of any video game: Final Fantasy X-2. Out loud, that's "Final Fantasy Ten Two." I want them to make a prequel to it called Final Fantasy X-2-Zero. The game is about pop singers who swap clothes and it's gameplay elements include "dresspheres" and "the garment grid". This is awesome. I never want to play the game, but I am totally enriched for knowing that it exists.

Final Fantasy is just such a crazy clusterfuck of well-meaning pretension and low art and goofiness and badassery and sometimes snowboarding. Looking at it like this, I understand why I spent so many years trying to like these games.

Huh. I love Final Fantasy.

So did all of this compel me to buy Advent Children? Nah. I just love action animation, and Advent Children's got the goods.

A man, a plan, a canal

So I had a nice walk today. The Ohio Erie Canal runs behind my office building, and on a whim I decided to walk the path along the canal. I'd never walked the path before and I have to say it was pretty neat. To my left, water. To my right, the rear of the buildings of Main Street. At my feet, lots and lots of dog shit. The pathway itself was constructed for the public, but tucked away. An interesting mix of public and private.

I used to explore a lot as a teenager. I used to do things on a whim all the time.

My life has been so reactive as of late. Between Brandise, Riley, My Mom, Rachel, Michael, Gretchen, Alissa, Ava, Angie, Mitt, Troy, Ethan, Stephanie, and the rest of my long list of loved ones, and the rest of this beautiful world, and the wonderful culture I get to live in, my life literally has enough riches to satisfy four men, and I've fallen into the trap of spending so much time trying to juggle my good fortune that I'm not taking the time to enjoy it.

That's one of them good problems, I reckon.

One of my favorite bits of pop wisdom comes from David Byrne in his film True Stories. "I really enjoy forgetting. When I first come to a place, I notice all the little details. I notice the way the sky looks. The color of white paper. The way people walk. Doorknobs. Everything. Then I get used to the place and I don't notice those things anymore. So only by forgetting can I see the place again as it really is."

I believe routines provide diminishing returns. Do something special often enough and you lose the thing that made it special in the first place. For me, being an adult seems to be about balancing the need to break as many patterns as possible against the need for the stability that life’s patterns provide.

At any rate, I’m glad I took the time to explore the canal a little bit.

Clarification
I wish to set the record straight on a matter that has been misreported over the years. Some people are under the impression that I dressed as Mr. Spock for my Seventh Grade class picture. This is false. In the portrait, I am clearly wearing a red command uniform of 24th Century Starfleet. Spock is traditionally known to wear a 23rd Century uniform, in the blue color denoting the Fleet's science division. While Spock has been known to wear red, and to Command Starships, by the time of the 24th century he was no longer enlisted in Star Fleet, but was instead part of the Federation's diplomatic corp.

Furthermore, while in the 23rd century, Spock may have been the only Vulcan officer in Star Fleet, by the time of Picard's Enterprise Vulcan officers were commonplace, most notably Doctor Selar of the Starships Enterprise and Excalibur, and Lt. Tuvok of the Starship Voyager. Some may point out that unlike Tuvok and Selar, I am a white male, and that in point of fact, apart from Spock, all notable Vulcans in Star Fleet are either female or black. This observation ignores the greater issue, namely that Starfleet is not in the habit of making officers out of pubescents, Wesley Crusher notwithstanding. Clearly I was not dressed as any specific Vulcan, but was merely dressed as a Vulcan everyman with the rank of Starfleet Commander. Also, there were totally white dude Vulcans in the baseball episode of DS9.

At any rate, I was not Spock in that picture. I am not, nor was I ever, that big of a geek.

A totally good idea I just had
I think it is time for a modern, cross-platform reimagining of Captain N. Some
dude who plays too many video games gets teleported INSIDE THE TV, where his
innate video game mastery makes him an instant hero. He’d have Wii
Nunchucks that he’d use like REAL nunchucks.

His allies would include:

Niko Bellic, boring and nice, our token ethnic.

Marcus Feenix, the effeminate one.

Gordon Freemon, a real wisecracker.

Cooking Mama, the token sexy lady.

They would drive around in their Warthog fighting GladOS’s army of Big
Daddies. GladOS would have a trusted lieutenant in Ken Kutaragi. Every
thing Ken tells GladOS would make TOTAL SENSE, but be ignored by GladOS.

They would also be in a Pop Band and all play Guitar Hero instruments.

The future of video games
I’ve got a great idea for a video game. I call it Buy Me Nachos.

It is pretty cutting edge. Gameplay takes place in an “open world”
environment that is actually scaled 1:1 with reality. The player does not
pay for the game itself, but instead is charged a series of
“microtransactions” as they obtain in-game items.

Players assume the role of an agent working for a mysterious mastermind
known as Isaac. Gameplay consists of a variety of exciting missions in
various locales dripping with Latin ambiance. Players start with basic
fetch quests like the classic “Go to Taco Bell and Pick Up Isaac Some
Nachos” scenario, moving on to the more complicated “Go to Chipotle and Make
Sure They Don’t Forget to Put Extra Cheese on Isaac’s Fajita” quest.

The final boss fight involves a Choco-Taco.

Encyclopedia
So I made a thing last week. People seem to be having fun with it. Check
it out:

http://asskickipedia.pbwiki.com

Go! Run and play!

Isaac Plays Video Games While Dinking Beer - Update 5
9:21 : I was going to spend the evening trying to resurrect Caution: Wet Floor, my old website, but a.) I feel like crap and b.) I don't know how to design websites any longer. So instead I'm going to play video games while drinking beer. I will update the internet on my progress because I know how much you kids care about me playing video games.

( Updates beneath cut! )

Kong
I finally got to see King of Kong: A Fist Full of Quarters last night. Damn,
is that an amazing piece of film. For those of you not in the know, King of
Kong is a documentary film that tells the story of the rivalry between the
two best Donkey Kong players in the world, Billy Mitchell and Steve Weibe. The
competition is nothing short of epic.

The film showcases the world of competitive high score gaming. There is
something deeply compelling about looking at the machinery of any
subcultures and hidden societies. The ways that they are similar to
mainstream cultures and the way that they differ, the contrast makes for a
pretty good mirror.

The personalities, etiquette, values, and community of these competitive
gamers are especially fascinating. People considered utter losers by most
cultural metrics are within this society, champions. Billy Mitchell isn’t
an awkward guy with an incredibly bad haircut, he’s the greatest video game
player in the world. There is a powerful inversion at work, where
something commonly perceived as a childish diversion has become a deadly
serious test of personal mettle.

In King of Kong, the filmmakers are telling the instantly-recognizable
underdog sports story, but they are telling it a very unfamiliar setting. The
result is utterly gripping. Steve Weibe, the young upstart seems like such
a sweet guy, I don’t care how little of a fuck you give about Donkey Kong,
you want him to succeed at his dream. Standing in his way is an
establishment with a vested interest in watching him fail. The ensuing
gamesmanship, coupled with treachery, politics, and personality clashes are
as engrossing as any sports film.

Of course, a lot of it is bullshit. Timelines have been distorted, facts
have been omitted, and every move against Weibe is cast in the worst light
possible. None of which makes the story any less gripping. Still, I trust
the filmmakers far less than I trust the “villains” of King of Kong.

Also, the movie is very funny. This is not surprising. Nerds are
funny. Giant
egos are funny. Nerds with giant egos are pretty damn funny. Watching
people full of pride and ego over something considered inconsequential is
one of the great comedy disconnects. I reckon many people have enjoyed the
film largely for the “haha look at the freaks” factor.

Yeah, I laughed a lot, but I gotta say, I have nothing but respect for these
freaks. Would I want to spend my life watching countless hours of high
score tapes? Or playing Donkey Kong for hundreds of hours, learning the
precise patterns of play needed to eke out a few hundred more points? No,
because I have drastically different values than these fellas.

However, these are men (almost without exception, this is a all-boy club) who
are just not equipped to deal with society on mainstream terms. And yet,
these socially awkward misfits have created a space where they are
champions, or live among champions. They get to taste the sweetest of
victories. I applaud these guys. They get to live in a strange nerd
Valhalla unlike any we will ever know.

It is a truly great film. It is about how we define ourselves and what we
value. It is funny and sweet, and a gross distortion of reality. I’d
recommend it to anyone, and strongly recommend it to anyone with any level
of interest in classic video games.

"Okay, Isaac. Let's talk ghosts."
So my friend flyngzebra (I don’t know how to code user tags I am very sorry
for this) is teaching English Comp One this semester. She assigns a weekly
journal topic, and at the start of the semester she asked me for some topic
ideas. I threw out a bunch of random ideas, some more serious than others,
and well, a week or so back, she assigned the following topic:

“My friend Isaac doesn’t understand how people in the 21st century can
believe in ghosts. Explain it to him.”

I have to say, having 20 semi-literate college freshmen explain to me why
they believe in ghosts has been a singular experience. The far most common
argument is the “I heard a noise once, so ghosts are real” argument. A
close second is “Ghost Hunters proves that ghosts are real with science.”

Ghostbusters is cited no less than four times.

A majority of the papers directly addressed me, which was sweet. One paper
presumed a hypothetical “Isaac” and spoke of the discussions that the author
had held with this “Isaac” fella.

I was told I need to get off of my high horse. This is true. I do.

Many students interpreted the “21st century” part of the premise as an
indicator that belief in ghosts is more prevalent now than in centuries
past. I fear that they may be right.

“science probably proves ghosts.”

“ghost abductions are on the rise.”

If I recall correctly, three of the students don’t believe in ghosts. One
doesn’t believe in ghosts, but does believe in spirits of dead people
roaming the earth, and two students I honestly couldn’t quite tell if they
were being serious or not.

I still don’t believe in ghosts, but I’ve gained some scary insight,
nonetheless.